Women Talk About the Friends Zone: The REAL Reason Why Men Get Put in the Friends Zone
During my journey to better understand the unspoken rules of attraction that exist between men and women, the friend’s zone is a topic that has always been the most interesting.
It is a trap that men seem to fall into over and over again and for the most part seem to accept their fate. They often spend months if not years going without physical affection and the love of the person they spend their time focusing on.
It’s often the man’s fault to identify the signals that a woman sends in the beginning to let him know that she’s interested. If you only look at nature for clues on attraction, you will see that it is often females of any species that initiates the courtship process. The same could be said for mankind, if you know what to look for.
During my course to better understand the game, I had the wonderful opportunity to meet Sue. Sue is one of the most creative and free spirited women I’ve gotten to know recently, and she’s been kind enough to talk about love, dating, sex, and the friend’s zone with us.
I would like to thank Sue for joining me today. Please tell us a little about yourself and what do you do.
I grew up a classic overachiever, though I was a cheerleader for a year. Had my first kiss at the age of 17 at a frat house, lost my virginity at 18, and went a little crazy from there. I am still. I work as a video entrepreneur, shooting videos for my business and clients.
Are you currently in a relationship?
I’ve been in an open relationship for 10 years of an 18-year marriage. It’s fun but also hard. But what are you going to do when you look, act and feel much younger than you are? J
In your own words, describe what you think “The Friends Zone” is. Do you think it’s a positive or negative title? What would you say are actions that guys take that put them in this zone?
The Friend Zone to me is an accidental place. And it doesn’t necessarily have to do with the attractiveness of a person. I met a guy who was Rafa Marquez hot – if you don’t know who that is, look him up – but he performed what I call the North American cock-block – screwing his chances by being polite, non-threatening, and appearing to lack testosterone. (A nice way of saying he had no balls) Another guy I met was very good-looking and had a great body – met him in beach volleyball J – and he mentioned being put in the Friend Zone before and I was like, “Who would fucking put you there?” So somehow he messed up with that friend of his. I think that the Friend Zone is for the guy that a girl talks to about all her problems, including the guy she wants. The guy that she WANTS is the guy she talks ABOUT with her friends. Get it? She doesn’t so much talk TO him as talk ABOUT him. By the way, the guy she wants over a long period of time is not the guy who ignores her either – there’s got to be some sort of mutual spark.
In your experiences, what were some things guys did right at the start, but didn’t follow up on later?
Mostly, if a guy first expresses interest but then is flaky, I forget about him. He’s not even in the Friend Zone, he’s in limbo. A guy who seemed super into me one New Year’s kept sexting me that night from 2 to 8 in the morning. I texted, “What are you doing today?” I heard nothing after that, so poof – out of my mind he went. Another guy came up to me – a hot tattooed, muscular guy, we went on a great date that lasted nine hours(!) where we ended up on his bed but did nothing – I like stretching out the sexual tension as much as possible sometimes – and he said the buckle on my belt was calling for him to pull it off all night so I knew he hadn’t put me in the Friend Zone, then we kissed goodnight and that was the end of that. I pinged him a few weeks later to say that we had such a good time we should do it again, and he agreed (I thought) but poof, I never saw him again.
Were there signs that you gave that told him you were interested but he didn’t catch up on?
In Barcelona, I saw a guy I wanted to get naked right away, and went to talk to him. He told me he’d met me in Madrid just a few days before. I pulled back and said – oh, right! In Madrid he’d tried to pimp his friend on me. I didn’t get any signs that he was in to me – not even a hand on an arm. So, sadly, I put him in the Friend Zone. He still pings me to see when I’m coming back and Likes my sexy pictures which is surprising given how neutral he’d been around me. Sometimes people surprise you, but it might be too late. I’ve already put him in the possibly gay Friend Zone. He seems to have a lot of good-looking friends who wear very small swim trunks. But then again, Spaniards can be tricky.
Once he has missed the signs, does his attraction level drop in your eyes?
I know it’s annoying, but if a guy is sought after by more chicks a girl knows, he becomes more attractive. The opposite is also true – guys I’ve been into look notably less when other girls say Meh unless I’m obsessed, then it doesn’t matter. A guy in the Friend Zone needs to be less available. Actually, my hubby and I had both put each other in the Friend Zone the first months we knew each other as colleagues. We were each into someone else and had no idea we were into each other. We actually got out of the Friend Zone by living in the basement of the company and finding out how we truly felt. There’s something about darkness and small spaces. J
How do you feel about the men that have been friend’s zone? Is there a chance for them to get out? If so, what would be some actions that would make you look at them differently?
If the guy doesn’t know that after a few years,no one’s made a move, there’s no need to say there’s no attraction. And if the guy’s still holding out, he’s there because he needs her in his life. There’s a guy who lives far away that gave me a sporadic but really intense physical and emotional relationship over a couple of years. I would love to see him again, but since I believe he’s been in a steady relationship, I’ll just have to be the horny friend. But that will have to be enough for me. *Sigh*
Are you scared that if you ever told a man that had been F-Z that you weren’t attracted to him romantically, that you would lose him as a friend? Do you place your feelings for him as a friend over that of him being a romantic partner?
Other than what I’ve said, other guys who have gotten friend-zoned were really guys who weren’t my type who also didn’t seem into me. Guys that don’t want to be put in the friend zone have to give a head-to-toe look at a girl once in a while, give her a sexy “I’ll do things to you…” smile as opposed to an “I’ll do any sort of chore or therapeutic pampering you need.” Now, what about people who get married? Isn’t there pampering and chore-doing? Yes. But that’s after an actual real, physical relationship. It’s not impossible to get out of the Friend Zone into a real lasting relationship, but it’s harder, and sometimes has to do with settling. Like a girl is into bad boys, crashes and burns a lot, and runs back to her small-balled friend. She might even fuck him because he kind of looks like a guy (she likes). But she’ll more likely than not jump at the first bad buy that throws her a sexy smile, and the friend-zoned guy is even more crushed than before. Because he’s sampled the elixir he might never have again.
Would you be more willing to have a one night stand with an attractive man you just met, as opposed to hooking up with a guy that has been in your friend zone.
Fucking yeah! And this is cultural thing. My friend from Toronto, who is all of 5’6” and a ginger – albeit a cool, artistic ginger – says girls buy him drinks a LOT. Men where I live are so laid-back, they almost seem like they’re in a coma OR since there’s a huge bar-hopping scene here, you don’t often get guys who hone in on a girl and make it stick. It’s totally random and meaningless, thus worthless. That’s why I travel J
Lastly, what are some thoughts that you’d like to share on the dating and men’s confidence community.
Be happy before you try to get in a relationship or be desired by a girl. Be almost fulfilled already and content where you are in life –not complaining about your job, your roommate, your mom, your shitty car, or your ex-girlfriend. And practice sexy smiles in the mirror.
As you have read from Sue’s interview, what is being taught here at Womenattracted.com has real world merit. Women are looking for these qualities in a man, someone that’s bold, makes decisions, and lets a woman know that she is wanted and desired. She can drop all the signals, but it’s up to you as an individual to act upon them. If not, then it’s a bottle of lotion and the friend’s zone for you.
Not every woman will be as forth-coming as Sue, who in person is quite calm, professional, and courteous. These interviews allow women to be blunt and honest about what they’re looking for. Gone are the social restrictions weighing down a woman’s conscience. Here she can be the free sexually liberate person that she already is.
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