There Was This One Special Girl, Part 4: Learning From the Past and Moving On
As you learned in the last part of my story, I was determined to learn from my past and move on with my life.
I returned to school for my last year of school refreshed. My summer hadn’t been particularly exciting and I was looking forward to seeing my friends again.
I had moved into a converted four story mansion. My floor was shared with two other students and unknown occupant living in the top two floors. I would realize that once again I lived with two people (boy and a girl) that I had very little in common, but was about to get along with.
I hadn’t seen or talked to my dream girl in several months. I thought to myself that I had finally put her out of mind and wanted to hopefully have a few short flings my last year. I was able to get a few dates following the cocky funny routines that worked for me. At the end though I wasn’t too attracted to them and nothing came out it.
I continued to play at the local venues, throwing parties and events. My largest event brought in over 500 people. A large number especially for the smaller sized city I was in. I even had a film crew from school follow me around for a few days chronicling my life.
Luck would be a cruel mistress and I found myself in the same building at the same time with my dream girl. I would see her and be completely ignored. She would walk by me, not even acknowledging my presence. I wasn’t even there. I might as well been invisible.
The feelings I had for her started coming back. I would purposely lay out my flyers and promotional materials in places I knew she would see. I was trying to get her attention, wanting her to see how cool and successful I was. It never worked. I would see her stop and read them, then once seeing my name attached, just walk on by.
I remember the last time I saw her. Class had ended for the semester and everyone was leaving the building. She sat on the front steps talking on her cell phone. I walked by her, looking at the person that I had invested so much of myself in. She looked the other way, avoiding my glance. I tried to act cool, looking like I was ignoring her too.
I turned the corner, stopped, and looked back. It was as if I knew that I would never see her again. This was the final time I would ever have a chance to do anything. I could’ve run up to her, told her I was sorry for everything but it wouldn’t have done any good.
I saw another guy, not too far away from her, working up the courage to approach her. He shifted back and forth on his feet, getting his nerves ready. He walked up to her, reached out his hand, and said hello. She smiled at him.
She had smiled at me like that once.
I walked back to my house, but instead of going in, kept going. I walked past my place, past the businesses and squares that ran through downtown. I walked past my friends who saw me and tried waving me down, past the never ending line of tourists parading through the streets. I ended up on the river walk downtown where I stood staring out into the water. I watched the boats and tourists past me by as I sat down on a bench.
I sat there the entire day. Not moving. I thought over everything that had happen to me these past 3 years. All the mistakes I had made, imagining all the different ways I could have fixed things. “Only if I have been better could I have gotten her.” I thought to myself. I envisioned our lives together. We would’ve been there for one another all this time instead of separated. We would leave the city together after graduation, get married, and raised a family. All the things that we are told we’re supposed to do. I saw us coming back to celebrate anniversaries, bringing our children here for vacation, seeing our great-children born…
The sad truth was that I didn’t even know her. I never built an emotional connection with her. I never asked what her dreams and ambitions were. Why she decided to become an artist. What she wanted to do with her career. At the time it was all about me, what I wanted. I never took into consideration how she viewed me. I blamed her for everything. She was a bitch, she lead me on, gave me false hopes, etc. but in all honestly, It had been my fault. I didn’t want her because she would’ve brought joy and happiness to my life. I wanted her because I thought she was hot. She would’ve made me popular, look good in front of my friends, raised my social status. I was being dishonest to her. It was because of that dishonesty she hated me. I was a liar, a cheat, not only to her, but to myself. I never once told her she was the most beautiful woman that I had ever seen.
She had always been truthful to me. It had all been in my head. I just blamed her for my own misgivings, low self-esteem, and neediness.
There was a short window where she did like me. I took that direct approach, introduced myself, and did something no other guy was able to do. If I had known everything that I know now. Things might have turned out different. But you can’t reverse time. Everything happens for a reason. Because of all of this, I’m now here with you. Telling you this story so that you can avoid making the mistakes I did.
Over the next few years I went on a new journey of self-discovery. I saw a change in the pickup community. Gone were the old routines and stacks. Out of the dishonesty emerged a new and better man. One where honesty was the key factor in attractiveness. Being able to live for yourself, pursuing your dreams, passions, and goals was the means to attract the women that you wanted in your life. You could put away the stupid looking clothes, the books full of cheesy one liner, and say “Hello, I saw you standing here and just had to say that I think you’re beautiful. My name is….” This is what will ultimately find you “That one special girl”.
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