Become The Most Authentic and True Version Of Yourself
Do you worry about what others think of you?
Does your mind race and ruminate about something you said or did recently that made you feel really embarrassed, stupid, or ashamed?
I’m sure you’re saying “No way, I don’t care what anyone thinks about me. I am who I am.” right?
Deep down we don’t want to admit our social insecurity, nobody does. Maybe some examples will help jog your reality:
- Yesterday afternoon you mustered up every ounce of courage just to say “Hi!” to a cute girl in the frozen food aisle and the result? She didn’t even hear you, acknowledge you, or maybe she just gave you an awkward look. “Ouch, my pride!”
- You ask a store clerk, cashier, or assistant where a particular food section or clothing item is…and it was right in front of you all along. “Duh! I feel so dumb right now!”
- Today is a great day! You’re feeling pumped; a day full of taking action and nothing can stop you or shake you! So you decide to walk up to that cute receptionist where you work and actually talk to her for once. “Today is the day!” you tell yourself. “She’s going to be so excited when I walk up to talk to her, she’ll be begging for me to take her right then and there!”.Then you see her…and you hesitate. You tell yourself she would never go for a guy like you, she probably has a boyfriend, and all that great confidence you just had has shot straight out your ass.The result?You just walk away without ever saying anything to her and maybe you pull out the tried and true excuse of “Eh, there will be other days. I’ll definitely do it tomorrow for sure!”…and you put it off, and put it off, and you never take a chance. Then you tell yourself “Gosh I feel so stupid for not even trying…”
- There’s a restaurant that you like to frequent because of the cuisine and more specifically because of that one waitress that is absolutely intoxicating to be around. She is so warm, charming, and especially flirty with you. You want to tell her how adorable you think she is and you want to try and connect with her and see what she is like outside of work. Then she comes over to you and instead of putting yourself out there, you stumble and retreat. “Check please!”
What if I were to tell you that I’ve been there and it happens all the time to everyone? What if I were to tell you that even Malcolm Thomas has been there and still experiences awkward and embarrassing moments? Moments where we feel so silly, exposed, and under the spotlight that we would do anything to take it back – the “I shouldn’t have said that”, the “I shouldn’t have done that”, or maybe the “Why did I say that, that was so stupid!”.
We have all been here my friend! And by all, I mean BOTH MEN AND WOMEN! Every single day we swallow ourselves in our own perceived embarrassment and shame. We inflict such pain and damage to our self-esteem and sense of self-worth for no reason!
You already know this in your heart but think about this fact: Absolutely no one is even close to being perfect.
Yet one of the most toxic mindsets that creeps into our lives is that we try way too hard to be way too perfect; taking ourselves SO damn seriously and beating ourselves up for hours over the littlest things in life. Hey, I’m certainly guilty of it but we all need to let it go and to let ourselves be free.
We humans are very social creatures, and dammit if we make a tiny mistake, we feel like we’ve lost so much social value in the eyes of our friends, peers, work colleagues, our boss, or even that really sexy cashier at the book store when you accidentally dropped your book over the counter practically throwing it at her. We feel like we’re judged so harshly, teased, gossiped about, or shunned to the point that we literally say to ourselves “Wow, I can never go back to that place again!”. We tell ourselves as soon as we leave, that girl is going to go off and tell her friends how stupid I was, how embarrassed she was for me, how I am such a loser!
Maybe you might not say this out loud, but at times you certainly know what it feels like and it is a truly dark and painful path to let your mind go down.
Now can you believe the stuff we tell ourselves? What we put ourselves through? Why do we feel we have to punish ourselves for everything? Why do we all hold ourselves to such extreme expectations that no one can ever possibly meet, yet most of the time we barely hold any expectations whatsoever over someone else and how they should treat you?
This type of thinking is such bullshit and has got to stop, so today we are going to kick this damaging mindset straight in the jewels and free ourselves to live the life we want!
A very popular article came out in 2012 called “The Top Five Regrets Of The Dying”. I found this article to be particularly moving and invaluable so I’d like to share it with you in hopes that it provides you the same value.
The top five regrets of the dying:
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
“This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.”
2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
“This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.”
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
“Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.”
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
“Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.”
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
“This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.”
Very powerful right?
For the purpose of this article, our focus is going to be on:
1. Having the courage to live a life true to yourself, not the life others expected of you
2. Learning to express your true feelings and
3. Letting yourselves be happy
Live True To Yourself, Express Your True Feelings, Let Yourself Be Happy = Becoming Authentic
Let’s say you are at a shoe store and you see some shoes that you really like! They are a name brand, really trendy, and they speak to your style. You pick them up and are amazed by how they feel, so you check the price tag and suddenly your jaw drops straight to the floor at the sight of that big, fat price tag. While you were looking the shoes over, a sweet and cute little female associate saw you and decides to come over and ask “Are you doing okay over here?”
And now we go into autopilot. Damn autopilot. When we hear these typical lines from store associates, our natural response is something like “Yep I’m fine, just looking around, thanks though”. So she smiles to you politely then walks away, back to her boring, burdensome work. You return to ogling over these shoes and that unbelievable price tag! “How can anyone afford these, this is so ridiculous!” you tell yourself. Afterwards, you walk out of the store not purchasing anything and feeling annoyed that a store like that would charge so much for just a pair of shoes!
Does this sound familiar? Such a negative situation right, even though it is something so small and minuscule.
Now let’s shake things up a bit, shall we?
No matter how grand, extravagant, bland, or simple the events are that occur throughout your day, they all become great opportunities to let our authentic selves come out and turn routine, boring, or negative situations into positive ones.
So how do we do this?
Well it all starts with the simple act of opening your mouth! Think about it, this would be a great chance to joke or even connect with that cute associate girl, even if it is for just a few seconds, but instead you saw her as just another employee, the face of this tyrant, price-gouging shoe store, without considering the thought that just maybe her day has been terrible, that working for this place sucks and she only has this job to help make ends meet, when she really wishes she could be out having fun with a sexy guy like you!
Now let’s flip this example, and become AUTHENTIC!
Here we are now and we’re checking out these awesome shoes, we see that price tag and again you think “What the hell! These shoes are crazy expensive! What are they made of, bald eagle feathers jeesh?!”. Then that cute, tan, brunette associate comes over and asks “How are you doing over here?”. Now instead of “Just fine, thank you”, you decide to speak what is on your mind! Make a joke out of it and smile! So you respond with something like “I’m doing awesome, but these shoes are expensive as fuck! Can you believe that?! Do they give super powers or something to whoever buys them?”.
Sounds silly? Sounds lame? Well guess what, congratulate yourself because you were just authentic – and being authentic can manifest itself in any type of emotion – be it angry, frustrated, sad, happy, excited, whatever. You said what was on your mind, every single word of it which has caused her to come out of autopilot. The boring routine has been shaken up and something memorable has happened for the both of you all because you said what you were thinking, what you were feeling, without being filtered.
Let’s continue the example:
Girl: (laughing) “I know right? I can’t even afford them and I work here!”
You: (smiling) “Really? Well that isn’t right! How about we combine our finances and buy a pair just for us to share together? What size are you?” asking in a playful manner.
Such a boring, routine experience has become silly and fun for the both of you! And it turns out that neither of you can afford some name brand pair of shoes, but at the same time, both of you are letting your imperfections shine without any worry! You both have accepted the fact that you can’t afford these shoes, that money and work is ridiculous, and you are playfully talking about sharing a pair of shoes with a cute girl you’ve never met. The flood gates of conversation are now open my friend.
Everywhere you go, if something strikes your mind – it could be silly, funny, interesting, naughty, sexual, flirty, etc. – then say it! Share it with a complete stranger. They will probably laugh, or smile, or even agree with you. If it is a girl, she’ll pick up on your flirty invitation and play along with you by returning some dirty remarks!
Again, all of this by simply having the courage to open your mouth and speak from your authentic self!
Outcomes and expectations are what kills you from the inside out. They get you so stressed and worked up in your mind, that your mind actually prevents your body from taking any sort of action. Forget the outcome. Let your true thoughts and words come out. Let your true colors and feelings flow from the inside out!
Why do we feel like we have to filter or limit what we say, especially around unfamiliar people?
In reality, everyone says dirty/funny/outrageous things, but they are too scared to do it in a public setting with total strangers because they want to avoid “looking stupid” (save face), so they keep it to themselves or in their small group of trusted friends only. Hey, everyone even thinks dirty/funny/outrageous thoughts too…but they dare not share them, and this is especially true for women.
And yes everyone even says the “F” word, but we are all so self-conscious about how we will be perceived by saying it in the presence of others that we’ll just opt to stay quiet altogether.
We fear so much of being judged, being “devalued”, feeling dumb, or even making a mistake in front of others, but guess what?
It is the people who let their imperfect and authentic selves come through who are the most fun, most interesting, most relatable, and most awesome people to be around because they are so down to Earth, full of vitality, and don’t care about what others think!
They are boat rockers and they encourage you to be one with them. They show us that it is okay to be who we are and it is okay to be goofy, awkward, to fail, and most importantly, to be REAL.
Yet as much as we love being around these people and feeling the way we do around them, we often find that we are too afraid to become that type of person ourselves, we are too afraid to absorb some of those outrageous qualities that we value so much in others because of how we believe other people will perceive us with our new mentalities. .
But one of the key parts about becoming authentic is such common sense that we often overlook it. And that common sense is called accepting yourself, accepting who you are, and owning your uniqueness 100%.
Own Everything About Yourself And Stop Worrying
Stop putting a governor on your life. Let your true self come through and own every silly comment, flirtatious wink, every embarrassing mistake, every single thing that “you ought to be ashamed of”. Own it 100 percent and everyone will love how comfortable and AUTHENTIC you are with yourself and how AUTHENTIC you are with the people around you. You know you make mistakes and you know everyone else does too. You know you are not perfect and you know that nobody else is either.
If you make a mild sexual joke to a couple of women in a department store, smile and own it. Who cares if they think it is inappropriate or rude, you just filtered them out of your life because they have no sense of humor and are way too up tight for your liking. You don’t want lame people like that draining your positive and playful energy. According to them and only them, you said something inappropriate and “you should be ashamed”. I’m sure you have heard of the process of filtering people out; it is called *screening*! You can do it with anyone, not just potential lovers.
Now I know you might be saying “So you’re telling me I should say and do whatever I want anywhere and any time?”
Well not exactly. We’re not here to purposely belittle, threaten, painfully tease, disrespect, or step on anyone’s feelings because you claim you are being authentic. We’re not here to take from people or make anyone’s life harder or worse for having you in it. That’s not what a real man does or how he acts. That is weak, low value, second class behavior and no one will want to be around you if you demonstrate this.
Being authentic involves adding value to your life and to everyone else’s life around you. The result is that both you and someone else are extremely grateful for having the chance to know each other.
It means expressing your ideas, your thoughts, and yourself all the way through without self-doubt, without self-limitation, and without a self-filter. It is making real, powerful, deep connections with people instead of going through life dallying in small talk or jabbering about things no one cares about, like the weather.
Sure there might be times when a comment or action comes off as offensive to someone, or maybe a conversation becomes awkward or stale and doesn’t go anywhere. These things happen. The same goes with women; not every single woman will be interested in you as a lover but that doesn’t stop you from approaching countless others.
When it comes to relationships, seduction, and general social ability, there are NO absolutes or be-all-end-all’s. Every experience is so unique from one another that there is no way to tell what any outcome will be.
And if you think what I’m saying is ridiculous and you are worried about offending someone or tarnishing your reputation, then think about the reverse. You go through each day doing and saying the same boring things because you are too afraid to shake life up or too afraid that the receiver of your comment, compliment, question, or action will be inconvenienced or annoyed by you.
You are worried about the outcome!
You don’t allow your true self to show which actually is a means of punishing yourself or subconsciously telling yourself that something is wrong with you or that you are not good enough. Therefore you have more respect for some random person and their so-called “convenience” than you do your own self.
So you just decide to limit your own thoughts, limit your own words, limit your own actions, and sacrifice who you are because you think it is the “acceptable and polite thing to do” or because “it would be inappropriate and you might offend that person and make yourself look like a creep” or “it would be embarrassing and you would inconvenience her by asking her out“.
Gentlemen, this type of thinking is so unbelievably limiting and destructive to your lives. You are holding yourselves back from revealing your most powerful, authentic selves and allowing the world the opportunity to experience it! You are letting your worries, fears, and expectations control who you are and limit your the endless possibilities in your lives.
Not to mention, people love people who are real and authentic.
Real people accept themselves for who they are and don’t apologize for themselves unless they actually did something that they recognize was truly their fault. They have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing about who they are to be sorry for. Life has brought them here, on their own unique path just like it has with you and me.
And what’s really cool is that when you are around authentic, down to Earth people, any typical bland conversation, even the smallest, most mundane things, can become “REAL TALK” and become super connection-building. All it takes is a little empathy and understanding, becoming non-judgemental, not taking yourself or life so seriously, and really accepting yours and everyone else’s unique imperfections, ideas, opinions, and takes on life.
Things To Take Away
So guys remember…
1. Live how you want to, and not how everyone expects. Accept who you are and express your true feelings. And most importantly, live your life and let yourself be happy.
2. Let your expectations and focus on outcomes go. When it comes to interactions, be it approaching women or making conversation with a stranger, each interaction is SO different that there is ABSOLUTELY no way to tell how it is going to go – and when you become so authentic and REAL that you let yourself just talk to anyone about all of the things that are on each of your minds, all of those outcomes and expectations in your head will disappear without you even knowing it and you will make amazing connections with really cool people.
3. Seriously….stop trying so hard to be perfect. I’ll say it again. Stop trying so hard to be perfect! Stop trying to make every single interaction with anyone perfect…life is always going to be awkward and goofy, so screw it…have fun, be silly, be playful and just go with it.
Don’t take yourself so seriously by trying to get everything right and perfect all of the time. This will make your life so unforgiving and full of disappointment, trust me. Besides, NO ONE LIKES PERFECTION because NO ONE CAN RELATE TO IT.
If something doesn’t go quite well, like approaching that cute girl in the frozen food aisle, then just laugh it off. If you “make a fool” out of yourself at work by having an ink pen leak ink into your pocket, remember life is always going to be awkward and ridiculous. Just laugh it off and don’t take yourself so seriously. Yeah, things like that suck and can be frustrating when it happens to you. But let it go, forget about it, move past it, because it happened and there’s nothing you can do to take it back. There’s no use in complaining or stressing over it. So pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep pushing forward.
Besides, no one will remember your failures or embarrassments or all of those failed approaches. The people in your life will only remember the awesome and inspiring life that you lived and they will be truly grateful for having the privilege of being a part of it.
4. People may not consciously realize this, so I’ll make sure you know right now! You have permission to fail. It is absolutely OKAY to fail. Don’t ever be sorry about a failure.
Because life is always going to be awkward, ridiculous, and full of failures and failures are how you SUCCEED. There are things that YOU have succeeded at that I have failed at, just as there are things that I have succeeded at that you may have failed at.
You cannot succeed without failing at least at some point. Every success in life is based off of some single failure or perhaps MANY failures. Again, that is how you succeed! It is called learning my friend and it is how you grow as a man. Malcolm wrote some great articles about failure, especially “The Unspoken Truth About Failure and Success”.
5. Forget feeling judgement, forget feeling dumb, forget feeling embarrassed or ashamed about yourself – forget all of that; throw it out because those feelings limit your lives in so many ways. They fill your head with such negativity that leaves no room for anything positive.
Do you want to think negative things?
Do you want to feel worse about yourself?
Wouldn’t you much rather reflect on how great your life is?
Or how about replaying that awesome, steamy romp in the bedroom last weekend with that gorgeous blonde temptress?
Forcing yourself to shut negativity off when it creeps in your mind, and drowning it out with positive thoughts will make you feel so much better and more optimistic about life and about yourself.
There’s actually science behind this, it is called the 3:1 Positivity Ratio (use your favorite search engine). Now if you find that you feel those destructive thoughts creeping in, it should trigger red flags in your brain telling you that right now you care more about fitting in, more about what others think, and more about wanting social acceptance from others and not accepting your true self and all of your imperfections. So when those sirens go off, it is time to kill those thoughts and counter them with floods of positivity.
Also, just remember that everyone else wishes they could put themselves out there like you and become half the authentic and real man you are. And we have all encountered those people who constantly complain, criticize, who are resentful, and full of jealousy.
They’re haters. They’re life suckers. These people will always have their little remarks (because everyone’s clever right?) to purposely inflict pain on others, when deep down that very resentment they feel is because they see the success in your life that they don’t have. They see you and your life in all its authenticity and they know your awesome life is beyond what they could ever possibly achieve and they are completely jealous of you for living the way you do.
6. Last but not least…relax. Enjoy who you are, where you’re at and where you’ve come from. Life is not about putting yourself down every time you make a small mistake. Life is not about beating yourself up and always thinking you are not good enough. Accept yourself and your imperfections because every single person has them.
Now will you fail? Sure! Will life get awkward and ridiculous? Oh yeah.
But embrace it because that’s how life gets it’s flavor! It is only whether you choose to pick yourself up and grow each time that matters. Totally accept failure into your life. It is going to happen whether you want it to or not, which is a GOOD thing because without failure there is no success, and we all strive for success!
And finally, life is not supposed to be so stressful and painful. Life isn’t supposed to be such a struggle. Become authentic and your life will improve so much…it will become more silly, awkward, and most importantly, life will become much more sexy!
Now get out there and supercharge your life by unleashing the most powerful, authentic, and true version of yourself the world has ever seen!
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